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Diary: 21 day process at the Oneness University – Part 3

10 Aug 2006

It was a special Hindu holy day today. So we did a special Homa (fire ritual) to remove all blocks in the way for us, physically, mentally and spiritually. All gods and goddesses you could think of where summoned by the female Dasas who sacrificially threw things in the fire. I felt very peaceful energies. After we had deeksha with the “cosmic beings” who move in the speed of a snail at maximum. The power was pretty strong.

By the way, I woke up in the middle of the night from some tough dream and felt I had fever and I was shaking. Some of it where still there in the morning but now it seems to be all gone. My stomach wasn’t good for a few hours but it’s better now… I think.
I’m just noticing that I’m writing backwards chronologically… The day started with a special deeksha arranged by Amma & Bhagavan through the Dasa. The deeksha would balance the energies of the body. It’s supposed to take from a couple of days to a couple of weeks or so. When we took this deeksha we balanced the navel chakra with a mantra (Rang) because that chakra takes care of regulating the energies of the body.

I don’t find the Mauna to be hard at all. It’s the opposite, I love it.
No one rambling away, boasting and no one starting a meaningless conversation just to be polite. The truth is that I really want to get away from people and social gatherings partly because it’s boring but also because there’s some fear. That’s probably why I live pretty much alone. No one getting hurt. Nobody who wants to take you “out” etc. I flee by meditating etc so feel good and to not have to deal with the world that feel so strange to me, hard and demanding. The truth is a big theme here. I see that I would like it if people look up to me if I can give deeksha and that I’m a “spiritual” person. Makes me feel special and accepted. But that’s not the whole truth.
I’m here because my seeking for God brought me here. It feels Ironic some way that the Dasa said that: Admit that you really enjoy feeling special when you get home and can give deeksha.

They’re turning off the light here now… Goodnight!
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11 Aug

What a day… don’t know if I have any voice or any tears left. That’s how it can get when going through/cleaning out anger, sorrow etc. When I was completely empty (I think) on everything I suddenly felt like a small child, 1 year old. Does a 1 year old baby care about what people think about him?… No.
I was pretty tired by then after allowing all the feelings get out by giving in to the anger and hurt. The chakra point felt electrical, like the way your arm may feel if you fall asleep on it and you wake up and wait for it to “wake up”.. That tingly feeling. But not in an unpleasant way. I could not even stand up I think.
Many insights today about what people I’ve hurt and how, and also the other way around. If you want results here in this program it’s up to you to give 100%. Not run away.
The childlike innocent state is still felt in me now but the “peak” lasted a couple of hours. We’ll see how it is in the morning.
I think this is the last day of this cleaning out stuff. For now anyway.

I spoke with my dasa today, Shrinevasji and I asked if the white light I’ve seen within was the same thing as my Divine friend that I now gotten to know in my heart. He told me not to think about that but to just keep relating as to a friend. Maybe it’s not important now. Everything will present itself when the time is right.
We had the honor of meditating with the cosmic beings today.
This is really an inner process and once you started it, you better plan ongoing through everything it brings. I’m all in for it. It’s all or nothing. Without truth you might as well be dead. It feels very beautiful now.
I thank my friend why helped bringing me here. The gratefulness feels nice and soft in the chest. Good night for this time!

By the way: During meditation I saw a sitting Buddha statue that was split in half, time after time. Every time there was a brand new one, looking exactly like the last one.
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12 Aug

There are many hurt feelings and negative experiences affecting your life that you can go through yourself by the use of memory. But when it comes to the time when you where very little it becomes difficult.
They say here that when you’re in your mothers womb you can feel everything that your mother feels. Maybe something happened when you where newly born too. Some problem or some treatment that you didn’t like. As a newborn you are extremely sensitive. You don’t really “think” like we see it, until you are 4-5 years old, so before that you can get negatively affected by things that you couldn’t see as illogical. We prayed to Amma to heal us from this and the Dasa joined us in the prayer. I really think I felt Amma listening and I saw her compassion. But she just sat there. So I asked her “prove that you are going to help me then!” and in that same second the body started to move like a snake. One energy block after the other released with crying and sounds. I felt Ammas never ending unconditional love and I wept so much from seeing that. Tears of love. Each time I thanked her I just got more and more. And MORE, and more. I feel she is with me from this point on. I can always ask her for help. I did that later.
It was about a fear I have, “how am I supposed to get out of it? What am I supposed to do?”.

Suddenly I said to myself “What just happened?”. A liberating feeling came over me. I don’t have to deal with everything. I can’t analyze , deal with and reason your way to happiness. I accepted this. Suffering is not accepting. When not accepting there’s a resistance. You loose life energy. But I accepted that I was afraid and didn’t know what to do. That’s just the way it is.
It’s truth that shall set man free.

Cosmic beings again today.
They emanate such stillness. It can’t be described. They have given their lives to in this way spreading the light, the peace and it is Bhagavan who has given them that state. I understand why he is so big. But he is not my god. He is one of my best friends and a true avatar and master.
Good night.
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13 Aug

12th of august and 12 days left. (correction, it was the 13th, but somehow the whole diary is one day off. I have changed to the correct date in the headline for each part though).
I’ve gotten in to the routines, going to bed about 21:30, getting up 06:00 – 06:30. Three meals per day, same time every day. When you don’t have to think, time goes by really fast. Like those who have had the same job for 25 years, being at the same exact place for all those years and they ask themselves what happened to their lives. It’s a bit like a trance.
Anyway… I guess this day was as usual, except that we watched a DVD on a big screen. But, like I later realized: Everything is the same thing anyway. Everything is experiences. Why separate the eggs from the mixture, it’s all going to turn in to pancakes anyway.

Very comical and funny Dasa today. He really has the ability to get everyone so see truth about themselves and laugh while doing so. Kind of the Seinfeld of spirituality.
Today was the first time for 2 weeks that I drank something else than water. Some kind of a powder you mix with water to give you more energy. Taste like orange and there’s some vitamin C added to it.. And something else. I’ve been longing to drink something sweet. I hardly even think about the Mauna. I don’t even want to talk at all. I like being by my own, to myself. That’s a liberating feeling to me.
The Italians here just can’t respect the Mauna though. I’ve seen them gather around the round tables outside, as soon as it gets dark, to talk. Almost like someone trying to quit smoking, sneaking away in the dark to have a smoke. But it doesn’t really bother me.
Experienced a lot of energies today during the meditation with the “cosmic beings”. If I had been at home, I would have gone home afterwards, turned on the computer and eaten crisps or something. Can’t do that here, but that’s OK. You can buy crisps and cookies here but I havn’t really felt like it.
I purchased a couple of framed pictures, a T-shirt and that powder.
The night was not fun at all. Horrible headache. Couldn’t sleep. Felt nauseous and like I had a fever. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and took an aspirin. After an hour I fell asleep (about 04:30).
Strangely, I’ve felt very alert the whole day.
Good food here. You live like at a good standard hotel.

I don’t feel especially grateful or any will to meditate or pray. Feels good that this feeling is 100% accepted within me.
Everything flows smoothly.
Good night!
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14 Aug (about 21:00)

Today I bought some things to those at home. Nothing special. A couple of CD’s some kind of special Indian toothpaste with something special in it, a soap, a book (evenings with Bhagavan) and a framed picture of Amma. Last but not least CRISPS!. I’ve eaten crisps in golden city .
Routines and deeksha like usual.
My inner process is right now about the mind and how it is impossible to get rid of. However it does lose some control over oneself if you can just see it. Just look at it without judging.
For example if you are afraid of something: “I am afraid!”. Not: “ I am afraid, but I’m not supposed to feel like that because bla bla bla and that is because bla bla bla” – in all eternity. That’s the game of the mind. We have tried solving our problems for millions of years by analyzing and reasoning. Has it worked?
What ever you feel: Accept it. Why? … Because it’s there. There is nothing you can do about it. That makes it lose it’s charge. Even escaping from the mind is a trick of the mind. It ALWAYS wants you to become or achieve something new. It says to us: “it’s right there, the solution is just around the next corner!” For all eternity. But the house is round!

Today during the meditation with the “cosmic beings”, almost everyone started laughing hysterically (for “no reason”). When we all had just calmed down and it was quiet again, one woman laughed a little bit and someone shushed her: “ssschhh!!” and we all broke out in even bigger laughter!

What the…. My towel was gone after the room got cleaned. Good thing I brought extra ones. I sent a text message to my family (to dad), saying that everything is OK, and another one to Therése.
The 15th (I think) is Amma’s birthday. Let’s see what happens then. Maybe a super-duper party? ;D

I’m going to get to bed here soon.. I’m not tired though. The last 2 days I’ve had incredible energy.
GOOD NIGHT!
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To be continued….

/Marcus Knudsen
http://www.xphirience.com

Diary: 21 day process at the Oneness University – Part 2

08 Aug 21:25
The days go by… what day is it? My watch says Monday but I don’t know. There has been a lot of contemplation today, with the subject “God”.
What’s God to us? What is that present force that makes things just happen “out of the blue” when you need it the most?
All the details about this journey… how everything just worked out perfectly. There’s so much… like that I and Eva went here together is no coincidence. Without her I might not have had any place to sleep the first night (had problem with my hotel room reservation.. They misunderstood my reservation, but it turned out Eva’s room had two beds. Neither one of us knew that). The time when I calmed her down in the taxi when she was freaking out because she thought we where about to get mugged. She was about to open the taxi door in the middle of the road. We have been each other’s guardian angels in a way. She just new she should go to the preparatory course in Sweden to see if there was anyone to travel with. Coincidence? No.

I miscalculated the number of days left to the flight before the trip which led to me meeting Annette Carlström at a bus stop. Of course I told her that I was going to GC and she prayed from her heart that the process would give me everything I ever searched for.
Or the fact that my brain just started planning for the trip, just like that, one morning without me ever even having the thought that I should go. All these things… coincidence? No, this is the hand of god and the answer from god. God is always trying to show us through these out of the blue “lucky coincidences” coming from nowhere he/it/her/something is there, never giving up. Year after year, life after life. Until we see!. Now I see. How much love is that?. God WANTS us to see… waiting there for us. I’m deeply grateful and a couple of tears rolled down my face upon this realization today. God is Love!

Today we had deeksha and some “ritual”, I’m not writing about that. Insights are more important. I pray for my family. Mom, Dad, Björn, Fredrik, Patrik.
I’m starting to feel the presence of “God” in my chest and a kind of relationship is building up. Thank you. I think the “diarrhea-guy” is well now. It makes me happy!. Time to sleep. Namaste. (21:50).
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09 Aug, 21:47

Today we received a special deeksha. It all got about 3-4 hours delayed because the ones who where to give the deeksha are in such a high state of cosmic consciousness that they are pretty hard to “transport”. They move very slowly and have to be led and helped. Not very functional in this word on a physical level.

I got disappointed that I didn’t feel hardly anything from this “special deeksha”, but now half a day after I can see what happened.
I got disappointed, started to accuse everyone and everything, got angry, and then angry and disappointed at myself for accusing others completely ridiculous things like “who does he think he is? Sitting there in some yoga-posture showing off”. I saw my state of mind and felt depressed that I felt this way and that I couldn’t get out of it.
So I prayed to my friend who has been with me all my life, who has been present and helping all the time.
Nothing happened, but an extremely comical thought entered my mind (won’t explain it here) and I started laughing. Time after time. Then a fly landed right on the tip of my nose and somehow I found that extremely funny too and I laughed.
Now all the “troubling” emotions where just gone with the wind and I could not get them to emerge again. Gone. I like my new friend…
And what was the very next thing that happened? A Dasa talking about that exact same subject I had just experienced. To run from your own suffering by dealing with all this inner stuff in all eternity. To blame others for our own suffering.. “Who’s fault is this?” etc. When you where 4 years old the story was that someone stole your toy, and today it’s things like people who wont leave you alone etc. Like they said in the very beginning here “You will get what you need, but probably not in the way you expected or wanted.”.
Later in the afternoon I contemplated over painful memories. Tears. Understanding. Love. We are going to dive really deep in to this the coming days. I want to. No more escaping. Namaste and Good night! (22:09).
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One more thing: During the meditations I see a lot of inner images on things like mushrooms, flowers, people etc and very often in extremely great numbers. Like a whole field filled with flowers, the same with the people and everything else, like just patterns of light etc.

Here in the Diary I have drawn an image supposed to look like hundreds or thousands of people. In the middle there is a big pillar of light and everyone is moving in to this light.

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