Posts Tagged ‘Amma’

Diary: 21 day process at the Oneness University – Part 7, The initiation.

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

20 Aug 2006

I’m in a bad mood. Irritated at people. Feels like I’m at a standstill. Nothing is happening. No breakthroughs. No aha-experiences. Today feels like a typical bad/irritating day at home or at work. The thoughts are spinning at a 100km/h and what is being taught here stops at logical understanding only. No actual first hand experiences so that I can really understand and know from experience. I don’t know if my blood sugar was low in the afternoon/evening, but I felt tired, grumpy and was unable to look at e single person without thinking something negative about them and I seem unable to just look at what is happening so that it turn in to something good and nice. I can’t imagine a full-fledged deeksha giver being so… well… like the way I am right now.

Shouldn’t a real deeksha giver be able to answer questions etc based on his or her own experiences and not just from something some teacher said that you happen to remember.
On of the guides said today that “Tomorrow will be a very special day”, with a secret-looking smile on his face. We are gathering at 07:00 at the Homa tent (homa = fire ritual), so we are probably getting a special Homa. We are getting a lot of special deeksha blessings etc here and it really seems like they are doing everything they can for us.

A red bull right now wold be really nice. No such thing here.
I got so angry today. When we got here we all got told extremely clearly: “DO _NOT_(!!!) FEED THE DOGS!” , “What ever you do, do not do that!”. There are some wild dogs around here (friendly though) inside the walls of the campus area, and if you feed them, they will stop looking for food themselves and when everyone here goes back home there’s a risk that they will starve to death. So.. What did I see today? A woman walked up to a dog and gave it a piece of bread she “smuggled” out of the dining hall. My thoughts where (I’m being honest now, warning for ugly words) : “Is your brain totally fucking empty, you fucking idiot!!!”. Doesn’t people get it? “DO NOT FEED THE DOGS” – what part of that didn’t you understand?

Oh well.. Time to sleep.

Goodnight!
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21 Aug 2006 09:38 – The day of Initiation

We did the special Homa today. It was to make us in the best possible shape and mode to give deeksha. It lasted a long time and a lot of things got offered in to the fire.
Today we will be initiated to give deeksha. I have to admit that I have some butterflies in my stomach – because this is so big!. A big day in my life.
Only 3 days left here now. The last day here is the 23’rd and the 24th is departure day (I think I was off in the dates here). They pay for our taxi to where we are going. A lot of people seem to be going to the sea breeze hotel after this and I’m was pretty lucky to get a room there. On the morning after the evening that I booked, they ran out of rooms. But I don’t really believe in luck.
I’m going to get some rest now before the next assembly here. I might write some more tonight.

14:35
At 18:00 Tonight we are going to get initiated. There’s nothing else planned before that so I’m just going to rest.

There’s no static state to “reach” permanently. This is all there is. This now. I guess it’s possible that when you settle down in that experience you become “enlightened” but that’s probably not a static state either. You can’t be happy 100% of the time. But at that point there is no suffering in being for instance angry or disappointed, because you will just experience being that without having any having any special opinion about that fact. You experience it like it is without even wanting to escape from it or struggle to get away from it.

Things like “I am angry because bla bla and that is because bla bla” doesn’t exist at that point. You are just angry for a brief moment before it’s no longer there. It will loose it’s charge.
Now I’ll rest…..
Oh by the way, all “states” and experiences, like being one with the whole universe, isn’t the goal in itself. It’s a “positive side-effect” from it. That’s not what you strive for, because when that goes away you’ll land in your “dull every day life” again, your “normal state”.
It’s in the “normal state” you should see the truth and meat yourself to see that everything just is the way it is and thereby overcome suffering. Then you have faced the truth. By then, if you experience some higher state of consciousness, you are going to land again in “non suffering” instead of “dull every day life” and once you are there, there is nothing you want to change because by then you have realized that it is impossible to change anything.
Trying to change things (within) is what escaping and suffering is. I escaped to this place to get insight about this, so I still have to thank the escape-part of me, a.k.a. my spiritual personality. Paradox!

21:38

I’m now initiated and able to give deeksha. The gratefulness to the hand that brought me here is beyond words. It was a long ritual first, then we got sprinkled with drops of holy water, on our heads and it felt like that area of my head turned warm, over the top of my head.
The we got the initiation through a deeksha transfer made with silver padukas on our heads.
The padukas have the divine energy and the object have the form of sandals because it in India symbolizes the feet of the divine. These Padukas where blessed and charged with this energy by Bhagavan.
It was very powerful. I laugh-yelled from my very core and then we all burst in to completely crazy dancing, everyone was hugging and I just couldn’t stop laughing from gratitude (if that makes any sense). It feels good walking right now and I walked sloooowly all the way back and enjoyed every part of it. I can’t describe the gratefulness. This is a gift, to be here and to be initiated and thereby able to help other people. I’ve always wanted to help people and that is probably why have the job I have. I think my whole being recognized that “now it starts”, by that I mean that which I’ve always felt in my heart and I reacted in such a powerful way, folded double in gratefulness and laughter of celebration. It almost feels like a dream. This is one of the best things I’ve done with my life, if not the best. My heart is cheering! :)
Everything is going to turn out so great, I know it.

Goodnight!.

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Diary: 21 day process at the Oneness University – Part 6

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

18 Aug 2006 (22:00)

Today we finally did Ananda Mandala. It’s powerful.
Other than that we did the usual stuff. It’s so enjoyable walking slowly. It feels so good in my feet and I just want to go slow. Right now I do almost everything slowly, after the meditation with the cosmic beings.
Everything is so… calm and tranquil and right now when I’m writing this, I often stop to close my eyes. Holding the pen and writing feels so enjoyable in the hand.

I felt very tired, irritated and angry for some reason, but I didn’t try to find a way to get out of it. I remembered what shrinevas had said: “What ever you feel, be true to yourself, that’s what god wants, so even those feelings are god”.
So I accepted that this is the way it is and then it transformed to a warm, nice feeling. Like the feeling of relief you can get after you have been crying, and I could feel god in that too.
If you just experience it like it is, without thinking “but…” or “if only…”, then it is like when the rain falls on dry ground and the nature recovers thanks to the wonderful water. Totally satisfying and rejuvenating. Water… so soft and enjoyable. Thirst quenching. Cooling, or warming. Water is more valuable than all gems, all gold and silver. Water is the gold of the earth.
I’m going to sleep now. I hope I don’t get woken up by the big guy’s snoring. But I have earplugs.

Goodnight! (I tried drawing a moon here but it got really ugly haha!).
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19 Aug 2006

I booked a room at hotel sea breeze in Mali Puram with my traveling buddies from Sweden. They have pool and all that. We are going to do some shopping and give deeksha too. The Indians there walk up to the westerners, point at their heads and say “deeksha?”, after that there could be a line for hours.

Today’s teachings dealt with the self, and that the self does not exist. The self is made up by personalities. So, “I” can not “become” enlightened. It’s a personality that wants this. I don’t feel like explaining it (and don’t have the energy to either). Now when I finally solved what I’m going to do in the days after the course here, until the trip back home, it’s a kind of a release. I’m happy.
I received a text message from Björn about a new door code to the apartment I live in Sweden. It felt nice seeing his name pop up in the page saying “new message” in the phone.
I think about how it is there… back home with him and Alfons (my cat).
The “ball” I wrote about a day or two ago, was experienced again today. But this time a part of me got inside it. It is a golden “sphere”. I can’t see it with my eyes, but I just know it, I feel it.
Is this my “divine friend”?.
It was peaceful. I think I have now learnt how to call for this “friend”. It may be the beginning of a new and fantastic acquaintance.

I’m not looking to achieve some end goal, I want to start.
There is nothing to achieve since there is no one to achieve it.
Good night! (here I have drawn an AUM sign and a heart.)
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Marcus Knudsen – http://www.xphirience.com

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Diary: 21 day process at the Oneness University – Part 5

Monday, January 25th, 2010

15 Aug (22:00)
A day of a total of 6 ½ hours of bus travel on Indian “roads”.
We where at Amma’s birthday darshan or what ever it’s called, at Amma’s ashram in Nemam. We all stood in a line to pass through in front of her, one by one. She looked at us, lifted her hands and gave her blessing, partly with the intent to raise our spiritual consciousness, but also for the inner wishes we may have. I haven’t liked all the commotion in India before but today it was quite entertaining somehow.
By the way, I realized that when I felt like a little child the other day, I was completely separated from the experience of identifying with the body or mind. I witnessed what the body was saying and doing, but it wasn’t me!
We get to sleep a bit longer tomorrow. We’ll start at 10:00. Amma looks so beautiful. Even more beautiful in real life. That’s all for today. I’m tired.
Good night!
PS: Feel GOOD!
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16 Aug

Amma’s birthday
Started with a very special ritual in her name. It really released a lot of joy and happiness. They played music and people went bananas with joy, danced around and went all silly. I danced some to, but after a while I just wanted to move very slowly and smoothly and I entered some kind of really enjoyable flow with my body which started doing whatever it wanted to and I think I entered some kind of trance-like state, although I was awake and aware. Then we had a surprise from Amma, Deeksha with Bhagavan! It was amazing. Seeing him sitting there in a such a deep state that he looked like he was made of wax. Totally still, not moving at all. He helped us when we prayed for our ancestors who had passed on to move on to even higher planes and to unite with the light/god and to not just stay were they where. Often they affect us in a negative way and when they move on you can sometimes feel a release, physically mentally, spiritually etc. How I feel now? I don’t know. As usual, but at the same time not.
We got cake. I dream a lot, vividly and a lot of lucid dreams. Yesterday I went from a normal dream to a lucid dream. Then the lucid dream stopped and I “woke up” and when I woke up I was in the first dream before I woke up for real.
Such great love and joy today. Today the deeksha energy is amplified, like it always is on Amma or Bhagavans birthday. These are special days with high energies. This plus darshan with Bhagavan is like putting your car in the sixth gear, and then turbo on that ;-) .
People talk a lot now. Pull yourselves together. I’m quiet as much as it is possible.

They have laundry service here. Luxury.
Just have to drop of your clothes and then pick them up all clean… or.. Washed.. The next day. India smells like dung, flowers , sweat and vanilla, all at the same time. Some of the time I don’t know if it smells wonderful or horrible.
It’s filthy and poor to. But everything seems so much more real here. I dislike and love it all at the same time.
The poorest people you see here, the ones living in small huts, so often carry a big smile. All the children get overjoyed by seeing our bus and they wave, laugh and smile, even the adults!.
So much heart here. They have a lot that we don’t have at home (on the inside) and we have a lot they don’t (materially, on the outside). When east and west are united, perfect culture should arise.

I don’t want to sleep. I’m happy, full of energy and so happy to be alive somehow. I feel love in my heart.
I’m thinking about how Björn (my brother) is handling watching over Alfons (my cat), and I get a warm feeling. It feels increasingly real to me that I am not the body or the thoughts. They take care of themselves and sometimes it’s like I’m just watching, witnessing this.
Namaste and Good night! (21:48).
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17 Aug

Today the subject has been looking at thoughts.
The ever-flowing stream of thoughts and how we tune in to them, like when setting the frequency on your radio to tune in to a radio station.
The exact content of the thought is determined by what experiences we have stored in the brain. What triggers this process in the brain is the “thought sphere”.
Mahatma Gandhi was against any type of violence, but while he was in prison he all of a sudden started having thoughts about killing someone. He couldn’t understand this. It wasn’t in him to do such a thing. In some way his conclusion was that the food he got there was cooked by a chef (who was also in the same prison) who while cooking the food had thoughts about killing someone. So the thought was not his, in the same way that a fly who lands on you isn’t a part of you just because it happens to be on you.
Thoughts can not be completely stopped, but you can see them and say “aha, those are not mine”. Our Dasa said that he himself didn’t always feel that all thoughts wasn’t his, but at least he always knew it.

After that we had deeksha. After the deeksha everything felt really nice: “wow, how lovely it is to walk!”, the feeling of the foot in the sandal or against the floor. I walked reeeeally slowly.. So wonderful. I had the feeling of love and the divine presence in my chest.
Then we had a meditation with the “cosmic beings”. During that meditation I suddenly felt how something that I can only describe as a big warm ball descended in to my lap. I could feel the gentle heat from it, It felt a little bigger than one of those balls you have on the beach (I don’t know the english word for it).

… Shrinevasji (Dasa) just came to talk to me. We sat outdoors on the lawn and talked about how things was going for me etc.
I can’t really write all of that down.. It would be to much text.
It’s just 7-8 days left!
What happened to all the days?
I have prayed for everyone at home plus friends and even for my cat.
I ate chocolate today, mostly because I felt an enormous craving for it. I like Shrinevasji.
Everything feels good. Health is good, food is good.
“If you can see everything from the eyes of the presence, then everything is like that”. By that he means that then everything is beautiful and “okay”. (I picked a small rock that I’m giving to Björn when I get home!)
Thank you for another incredible day of my life, here on this divine place. I am like before but at the same time not at all.
Namaste, Good night! (21:28).

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Diary: 21 day process at the Oneness University – Part 1

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

How I got in contact with deeksha and the oneness university

I started taking deeksha here in Sweden around the year 2001. My memory is not very good with years and dates so it may not be correct, but I remember attending the very first Satsang in Sweden that was about the Oneness University (but back then this name didn’t exist yet) and it was held by a guy named Palle Nielsen (I think) and this was before they started initiating people to give deeksha. But this guy had gotten some kind of gift from Bhagavan to give healing by putting the hands on top of the head. The person could then receive either healing of the body, mind or get some kind of temporary altered state of consciousness that would be healing in itself, just having had the experience.

For example if someone was always stressed, this person might get the experience what it was like to be totally free of all stress and the memory of this experience may change this persons view on some part of life or him/herself.

Soon people started going to This man named Bhagavan and his wife Amma in India. The place was called Golden City. Annette Carlström was one of the first or the first (not sure) to be initiated in giving deeksha and I went to as many “Satsangs” with her as possible. The following years I literally received hundreds of deeksha’s (usually you got many deekshas per Satsang). It was very intense and I experienced everything from incredible bliss to horrible suffering.

One morning I woke up and my brain started planning for a trip to The Oneness University to go the 21 day program they had then. It was like it was already decided for me. It’s very hard to explain but there was almost nothing I could do about it. Before I knew it I had booked the flight and all that.

I am a young man (28 when writing this) so at that time I was 25 and had never even traveled by airplane, was pretty insecure and shy, and here I was planning a solo trip to India. It was automatic.

Anyway, I got in contact with some more people going there and I ended up going together with a woman named Eva who live in a town near mine.

Now I’ll skip ahead to the second day of the Diary (The first is just about the trip itself.. not that interesting to read really).
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05 Aug 2006, 21:20
(This is the morning after arriving to the hotel in India (Chennai), the morning that we got picked up by a bus that took us to the Oneness University)

Slept pretty good. Didn’t eat the hotel breakfast because I wanted to sleep a bit longer. I had some fruit, bread and other stuff with me instead. Quite many people here also going to the same place. The bus ride took a few hours and in that time I saw everything from the “rich” neighborhoods to the very poor people living in small shacks. Eva told me a story from when she lived at a monastery in Italy (named Fransiko-something). She and her friend both saw a statue of Jesus move.

The bus arrived to GC (golden city) and when we drove through the gates to this place I was struck by incredible gratefulness. About a year before that I had a dream in which I was standing in line to enter a gate and Bhagavan and Amma stood at each side of this gate. I couldn’t see through the gate.. I could just see light shining from it.

We got out of the bus and where welcomed by a couple of Dasa’s (monks). One of them put his hand on my shoulder, looked my deep into the eyes and said ‘welcome!’. That must have been one of the warmest welcomes I ever had.
It’s impossible to not get affected by the presence of these monks.

They showed us our room (13 beds) and we made ourselves at home and then it was time for lunch. Have to say that the Mauna (silence – non speaking rule) is poorly respected.
If you pay 50.000 SEK to attend this process, the least you can do is follow the rules right?

Walking back form the diner I where struck by this gratefulness again: “I’m walking with my feat touching the ground in Golden City! Marcus from Helsingborg in GC”.
It’s very very hot here, but they have extremely good air conditioning in the rooms etc.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow, I’m very excited. Every now and then I can feel the stillness in this place… it must be the “high energies” they are talking about that you are supposed to feel here.
Time to sleep!
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06 Aug 21:36
Gentle start of this day. We didn’t gather until 10:00 in the meditation hall. They went though some routines, simple rules etc and we did a short meditation. Lunch at 13:00 and then a new gathering at 17:00. It was raining cats and dogs and when we all got to the meditation hall the guides wasn’t there yet so we all had to wait in the pouring rain. (apparently you wait A LOT in India, come to think about it we had to wait 1½ hour for the lunch too… India! ;-) )

When we entered the meditation hall they had a welcoming ceremony for us. They made a small mark at our third eye with something looking like moist soil and they sprinkled some blessed water on us, a hug and heartfelt “Namaste!”. We sat down and presented ourselves briefly , the mic when from person to person.

Later the Dasa spoke about different things like that we where all here for our own special reasons. Nothing was a coincidence and that we had probably all been searching for many many years or even lifetimes. Now we needed a final push, help from the divine to brake through the “veil” that was between us and what we where seeking.
He said the deeksha is this push, the connection to the divine and that we will each be initiated to give deeksha to others. We did some “Aarthi” (welcoming/inviting the divine, whatever the divine was for each of us) and received a short deeksha. No hands on, just by intent.
I felt the kundalini going up and was affected quickly and also felt a glimpse of stillness and love in my chest. But that was all, it was time to eat.

Tomorrow we meat at 07:30 at the same place. I just took a shower. It felt really good in this heat. Only one temperature on the water, but it was perfect. I’m going to get some sleep now, if I can. A big snoring American sleeps in this room too… but I’m sure It’ll be fine.
Some of my thoughts go to those at home and I hope they are not worried.
I like it here! And I enjoy the Mauna. GOOD NIGHT!! :)
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07 Aug 21:20

Today we received our first “hands on” deeksha. It was done in the same way as at home and it felt good… pretty much like usual. Energies went through the body and I felt like laughing.
By the way, we got to see Ananda Giri. He spoke with (to) us. I like him. He is very honest.
Someone asked him why she never felt anything during deeksha and why some specific changes etc occurred in her that she where striving for. Ananda Giri became silent.. For a long time. Then he said “I don’t know”.

The thoughts really get amplified… and I feel that I feel bothered by people a lot. I often think to myself that people are so stupid, like “typical American” etc. But what does that matter? Nothing happens just because I think so. Even if someone would be stupid for real, they can’t help it. It’s circumstances, upbringing, traumas etc that made it that way.
Yesterday I realized how long I’m going to be here. It still doesn’t feel like things have “really started” yet. But it has. This only shows my own frustration that things must happen, but this feeling too is a part of me that I should see.

We have our first sick person… the poor guy has diarrhea. He is laying in bed, very weak. I pray for him. I didn’t “come” here. I was brought here. Someone must have heard my prayers and brought this to me (or me to this). Things happen here, maybe not in the way you would want, but in the way that teaches you the most and takes you to where/what you need. I’m starting to feel very at home. You get so taken care of.

The thunder Is lighting up the sky tonight. We gather 07:30 tomorrow in the meditation hall.
Namaste & good night!
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To be continued very soon…

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