20 Aug 2006
I’m in a bad mood. Irritated at people. Feels like I’m at a standstill. Nothing is happening. No breakthroughs. No aha-experiences. Today feels like a typical bad/irritating day at home or at work. The thoughts are spinning at a 100km/h and what is being taught here stops at logical understanding only. No actual first hand experiences so that I can really understand and know from experience. I don’t know if my blood sugar was low in the afternoon/evening, but I felt tired, grumpy and was unable to look at e single person without thinking something negative about them and I seem unable to just look at what is happening so that it turn in to something good and nice. I can’t imagine a full-fledged deeksha giver being so… well… like the way I am right now.
Shouldn’t a real deeksha giver be able to answer questions etc based on his or her own experiences and not just from something some teacher said that you happen to remember.
On of the guides said today that “Tomorrow will be a very special day”, with a secret-looking smile on his face. We are gathering at 07:00 at the Homa tent (homa = fire ritual), so we are probably getting a special Homa. We are getting a lot of special deeksha blessings etc here and it really seems like they are doing everything they can for us.
A red bull right now wold be really nice. No such thing here.
I got so angry today. When we got here we all got told extremely clearly: “DO _NOT_(!!!) FEED THE DOGS!” , “What ever you do, do not do that!”. There are some wild dogs around here (friendly though) inside the walls of the campus area, and if you feed them, they will stop looking for food themselves and when everyone here goes back home there’s a risk that they will starve to death. So.. What did I see today? A woman walked up to a dog and gave it a piece of bread she “smuggled” out of the dining hall. My thoughts where (I’m being honest now, warning for ugly words) : “Is your brain totally fucking empty, you fucking idiot!!!”. Doesn’t people get it? “DO NOT FEED THE DOGS” – what part of that didn’t you understand?
Oh well.. Time to sleep.
Goodnight!
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21 Aug 2006 09:38 – The day of Initiation
We did the special Homa today. It was to make us in the best possible shape and mode to give deeksha. It lasted a long time and a lot of things got offered in to the fire.
Today we will be initiated to give deeksha. I have to admit that I have some butterflies in my stomach – because this is so big!. A big day in my life.
Only 3 days left here now. The last day here is the 23’rd and the 24th is departure day (I think I was off in the dates here). They pay for our taxi to where we are going. A lot of people seem to be going to the sea breeze hotel after this and I’m was pretty lucky to get a room there. On the morning after the evening that I booked, they ran out of rooms. But I don’t really believe in luck.
I’m going to get some rest now before the next assembly here. I might write some more tonight.
14:35
At 18:00 Tonight we are going to get initiated. There’s nothing else planned before that so I’m just going to rest.
There’s no static state to “reach” permanently. This is all there is. This now. I guess it’s possible that when you settle down in that experience you become “enlightened” but that’s probably not a static state either. You can’t be happy 100% of the time. But at that point there is no suffering in being for instance angry or disappointed, because you will just experience being that without having any having any special opinion about that fact. You experience it like it is without even wanting to escape from it or struggle to get away from it.
Things like “I am angry because bla bla and that is because bla bla” doesn’t exist at that point. You are just angry for a brief moment before it’s no longer there. It will loose it’s charge.
Now I’ll rest…..
Oh by the way, all “states” and experiences, like being one with the whole universe, isn’t the goal in itself. It’s a “positive side-effect” from it. That’s not what you strive for, because when that goes away you’ll land in your “dull every day life” again, your “normal state”.
It’s in the “normal state” you should see the truth and meat yourself to see that everything just is the way it is and thereby overcome suffering. Then you have faced the truth. By then, if you experience some higher state of consciousness, you are going to land again in “non suffering” instead of “dull every day life” and once you are there, there is nothing you want to change because by then you have realized that it is impossible to change anything.
Trying to change things (within) is what escaping and suffering is. I escaped to this place to get insight about this, so I still have to thank the escape-part of me, a.k.a. my spiritual personality. Paradox!
21:38
I’m now initiated and able to give deeksha. The gratefulness to the hand that brought me here is beyond words. It was a long ritual first, then we got sprinkled with drops of holy water, on our heads and it felt like that area of my head turned warm, over the top of my head.
The we got the initiation through a deeksha transfer made with silver padukas on our heads.
The padukas have the divine energy and the object have the form of sandals because it in India symbolizes the feet of the divine. These Padukas where blessed and charged with this energy by Bhagavan.
It was very powerful. I laugh-yelled from my very core and then we all burst in to completely crazy dancing, everyone was hugging and I just couldn’t stop laughing from gratitude (if that makes any sense). It feels good walking right now and I walked sloooowly all the way back and enjoyed every part of it. I can’t describe the gratefulness. This is a gift, to be here and to be initiated and thereby able to help other people. I’ve always wanted to help people and that is probably why have the job I have. I think my whole being recognized that “now it starts”, by that I mean that which I’ve always felt in my heart and I reacted in such a powerful way, folded double in gratefulness and laughter of celebration. It almost feels like a dream. This is one of the best things I’ve done with my life, if not the best. My heart is cheering! 
Everything is going to turn out so great, I know it.
Goodnight!.
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